I got the blues... the baby blues..

On April 17, 2016 I became a mom. It took 30 hours of hard core labor  and 4 of those hours were of me pushing his big head out. But regardless, I became a mom to the most beautiful little boy, Conor Thorn. To say he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me would be an understatement. 

I know it might sound like I hate my child because I complain about his screaming in public or  got pissed because he threw up on me at Walmart, but I don't. He means the world to me. 

When I first had Conor, I felt like my life was complete. I was so happy that I wanted to get pregnant again and right away.

   I completely forgot about the fact that I was sick for 30 weeks straight. 

I didn't mind waking up in the middle of the night or changing diapers, but I absolutely hated breast feeding. I cried every time my husband told me it was time to feed him. 

Breast feeding only lasted three months.

In the three months of breast feeding, I was 138 pounds. I did what I was supposed to, I tried to get out of the house as often as I could, so I wouldn't become depressed. 

It didn't work.

After returning to work, I felt this guilt about being away from my baby.  I would cry every time I would leave him. My husband watched him during the day and then would work at night. So I started to cry because I never saw my husband. I started to cry about everything. I cried about losing my grandma, I cried about my marriage, I cried about work. I cried about everything. 

As much as I cry you wouldn't believe that I actually hate it . It just comes out. 

So since I hated crying, I decided to eat.

Oh man work was hard today.... Chilis will solve that. My husband is pissing me off.. hey Sonic. 

I want to cook tonight.... pizza it is. Everything revolved around food. 

Dont get me wrong, other personal things contributed to this weight gain, but being a depressed new mom was definitely a factor. 

  

I had no desire to work out. I still have zero desire to work out. It doesn't help when you have a super model sister who had a baby three weeks before you and is back to her old self.

Social media is a bitch when your going through a hard time... oh Kelly from high school has the perfect family and they have so much money and she is so happy.  Where's my ice cream?

And of course your husband doesn't understand. 

If I hear my husband tell me one more time that I would feel better if I exercised... I will scream. 

Thanks honey, let me get right up out of my depression and head to the gym while our child is screaming. You can handle this right?

People dont get it. What I have learned is that it is okay to be depressed. Our hormones are going crazy, we just popped out a freaking human.  That's not some simple task. I also learned that your husband or boyfriend or whoever will not understand what you are going through. They dont see the wall that is holding you back from getting on with your life. But other moms do. Most moms have had some sort of depression. Be honest with them. If you feel suicidal or wanting to hurt someone get help. It is okay to get help.  Moms and women in general, tend to help others before themselves.  That is in our genetic makeup, but our families suffer when we aren't at our best. 

I am ready to not feel like shit anymore. I am ready to break this wall. 

Oh, and Kelly from highschool doesn't have the perfect life. The bloggers with the most edited pictures and 1000 kids dont always look like that. We show the happiest moments in our lives because we want to hold on to them. Life isn't perfect. When we start realizing that life doesn't have to be perfect in order to be meaningful, we will stop being so hard on ourselves. 

Join me in my journey to turn moms/women towards each other instead of against each other. 

I have a new Facebook group called Loleelovesit 

Look it up. Join. Talk. 

Love you all, 

Lo